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Don't worry, there'll be plenty of nice boys at university',
my mother always said when I moaned about the lack of Christian
boys in my hometown. But when I got to university, my year
was 70% girls, and there was only one Christian boy (and he
had a girlfriend and sideburns!). I had a couple of boyfriends
through medical school, but after neither relationship worked
out, I belatedly came to realise that there was more to it
than finding someone I massively fancied who happened to be
Christian.
As I felt called to mission, it was presumably a good idea
to find someone else with the same goals, someone who didn't
want to spend the rest of his life in the M4 corridor. Unfortunately
there weren't many 'Mr Rights' out there, and so I reluctantly
had to face up to my singleness, brave the unhelpful comments
of family and friends, and dodge those nice ladies at church
who were very keen to marry me off to their totally unsuitable
middle-aged sons!
This article isn't written for those completely at ease with
their single status, but for those like me who never thought
that life would turn out this way, who may be content and happy
for 90% of the time, but have days when we scream at God for
a partner.
The Bible and the church
In the early church, singleness was seen as a renouncement
of normal social obligations for the sake of the gospel.[1]
Celibacy was viewed as a positive choice. Over time this view
became distorted, to the extent that marriage was seen as a
less spiritual option - as seen through the writings of people
such as Augustine. During the Reformation an attempt was made
to correct this erroneous teaching and marriage was reaffirmed.
Perhaps now the pendulum has swung too far as single people
often feel devalued and left out in the church. A friend describes
it 'as though in some limbo state awaiting full membership
status once united with one's "other half"'.
So what does the Bible say about the single state? Jesus was
positive about both marriage and celibacy - see Matthew 19:1-12,
for example - but he was adamant that a person's primary commitment
should be to him rather than to a husband or wife.[2] He was
never married, but led a fulfilled life. Paul too appears to
have been unmarried, and he also affirms the single life in
1 Corinthians 7, whilst making it clear that there is nothing
wrong with marriage.
Advantages
Jesus, Paul and the early church saw singleness in a positive light, but what are the benefits today? Firstly, it gives us time. We can do so much more than our friends with children, we have longer in the morning to spend with God, and fewer family obligations. We are able to read the Bible for longer, read more books and spend time with God in prayer. Another benefit is freedom: if a friend is feeling down we can go over and provide support without emergency calls to arrange a babysitter, we can do the ironing when we need to, we can make decisions about issues such as missionary service without the need to worry about the kids' education etc.
Disadvantages
But let's not pretend it's easy. Recently, a mirror fell off
my wall and broke a glass door. It fell off because I hadn't
fixed it securely to the wall because I didn't have a drill.
I was so upset and so mad with God: 'This is all your fault
- if you'd given me a husband then the mirror would have been
put up right and it would still be on the wall and I wouldn't
have to replace my door. Following you is too difficult!' Or
when you hold a friend's new baby and mixed with the joy is
a twinge of sadness that it's not your baby, or the times when
yet another single friend has got a boyfriend, and although
you're happy for them, you think 'but what about me Lord?'
Another difficulty can be idolising marriage - seeing it as
a state of eternal bliss and contentment, and thinking we'll
live happily ever after, or that it will solve all our problems.
It can be hard when family and friends make unhelpful comments,
or nag you about getting married. When parents stop talking
about 'when you get married' and change to 'if you ever get
married'. When people assume that no one is ever interested
in you, rather than that you choose not to go out with the
non-Christians who may chase you. Or worse still, you become
convinced that no-one is ever going to love you. But I think
the most difficult problem many of us face is loneliness; when
you come home to an empty flat, when you phone round your friends
to see if they want to go out, and all the answers go along
the lines of 'I'm sorry I've got to iron James's shirts', or
else you don't want to intrude on the precious time a family
has together, so you turn on the TV and eat dinner alone. For
clinical students and junior doctors this loneliness can be
profound, as frequent moves disrupt existing friendships, and
you're forced to make the effort with a new set of strangers
yet again. In churches when the other people your age turn
up to everything as part of a couple, when you look around
the table on a night out and realise you're the only one without
a partner, it can be easy to feel left out and unwanted. Coupled
with the loneliness can be a lack of accountability; few people
may really see what you do with your thoughts, time or money.
Something I have found hard is the attitude of many of my non-Christian
unmarried friends. So many of them have such different views
of relationships. Most are very rarely single for extended
lengths of time in quite the same way a Christian single may
be. It can be quite isolating to go to a pub or club with them,
and watch while they get off with someone. People can make
hurtful assumptions if you don't join in with them - a close
friend was deeply upset when a colleague asked if he was gay
because he didn't have a partner or snog anyone at the office
Christmas party.
Another difficulty is getting involved with people just because
they're a Christian and because they're there. Finding a Christian
may be essential, but other things are still important. Can
you respect them, do you have similar attitudes on important
issues, would you be able to get on with their family, do you
approve of the things they do with their time and money, would
they make a good parent to your children? If the answer to
these things is no, then a relationship of desperation is unlikely
to last and may cause considerable hurt to both of you. In
the absence of any eligible Christians, going out with a non-Christian
can be a big temptation. However the Bible is clear that this
isn't an option [3] and although it is possible that they might
become a Christian, it's more likely that they'll pull you
away.
We all have sexual energy, and if it's not released in sexual
activity that doesn't mean it goes away. It's easy for girls
to indulge in daydreaming and fantasy, whereas for guys pornography
may be a big temptation.
So if these are some of the difficulties in being single in
a 21st century world, how do we truly live for God in the situation
he's put us in?
Living life to the full as a Christian single
People tell you to trust God about your future, but what are
you trusting him for? There simply aren't enough men in the
church to go around[4] (sorry about the female bias, guys -
I know this area can be difficult for you too). God never promised
that we'd get married and live happily ever after - in fact
Paul's experience seems to have been the opposite - see 2 Corinthians
11:24-29 for a few details! But he promises to be with us always,[5]
promises never to test us more than we can endure,[6] promises
to be on our side and work for our good [7] and gives us the
hope of heaven and being with him as the goal to run towards.[8]
Being with him should be our ultimate hope and goal, not marriage.
But if God is really in control, our present singleness isn't
because he's forgotten us, isn't big enough, doesn't care,
or let me make that stupid comment to 'Mr Right' which surely
drove him away. No, we are single right now because God has
a purpose for this time which could only be achieved this way.
Even though this can be hard to come to terms with, rather
than moaning, we should accept that this is God's will for
us right now.
There are a number of practical steps we can take to be content
and fulfilled as single people in the place where God has put
us:
1. Enjoy the church family
God never designed us to survive on our own. In the church
we have brother and sister, daughter and son. Church is more
than a place we go to on Sunday, but is designed to be a community
of believers meeting each others' needs as we serve Christ
together. Often families with young children don't get invited
out very often; many will be delighted if you and your flatmates
have them over for lunch. If you can't cook, get pizza or a
takeaway. If your accommodation isn't big enough, suggest a
picnic in the park! Offer to babysit or do some DIY and you'll
be invited not only into people's homes, but into their lives
as well. I have a big cupboard in my lounge full of great kids'
toys, colouring books and pens. I got most of it from charity
shops and the total cost was probably under ten pounds. It
makes me one of the most popular adults in the church and kids
never want to go home!
There are often many others in the church in a similar position.
A single guy in my church is very good at DIY; I'm good at
cooking. He plumbed in my washing machine and I fed him for
a week. Trading skills in this way can be great, and builds
friendships as well as getting jobs done.
2. Recognise that marriage isn't a state of eternal happiness and fulfilment
Every human being, even Mr or Miss Right will hurt, disappoint and let us down. Learning to cope with life's difficulties now will prepare us for what may come, as well as bringing the recognition that it is Christ we need more than any person. Look around you, at your family, workplace and church. Are all those married people 100% happy, 100% of the time? If we can't be content now with what God has given us, will we ever learn to be truly happy? We need to become whole people in Christ and find security in him.
3. Be content
Be content in the situation in which God has placed you, giving thanks for his many blessings. You may feel being single is bad, but think how many people are in more painful situations; the widowed, the divorced etc. This may sound harsh, but although we may not have a choice over our marital status, we are in control of how we react to it, whether we spend our lives wishing for what we don't have, or get on with living.
4. Be accountable
Develop strong accountable friendships with other believers, married and single. Even a spouse will never meet all our friendship needs; other relationships are important too.
5. Live in the real world
It's easy to waste hours dreaming our lives away, putting off making decisions or simply drifting. God will call us to account for what we have done with the precious time he has given us. Stop waiting for tomorrow, live life to the full today! Become disciplined in taking captive impure and selfish thoughts, stop that romantic fantasy in its tracks and pray for that gorgeous guy/girl instead!
6. Channel sexual energy into different streams
We are all sexual beings, but no marriage for the Christian
means no sex. Pouring out this energy into other streams -
such as poetry, music and Christian service - allows us to
be fulfilled individuals in control of our passions rather
than controlled by them. John Stott writes about this with
great insight:
It is possible for human sexual energy to be redirected ('sublimated'
would be the Freudian word) both into affectionate relationships
with friends of both sexes and into the loving service of others.
Multitudes of Christian singles, both men and women, can testify
to this. Alongside a natural loneliness, accompanied sometimes
by acute pain, we can find joyful self-fulfilment in the self-giving
service of God and other people.[9]
7. Reach out to the needy
Our ultimate love-relationship should be with Jesus. Sometimes
it is as we give ourselves to others that we find him.[10]
There are millions of practical ways we can do this - anyone
can be a bolt hole for church teenagers driven mad by their
family, helping on a soup run or in a local charity shop, providing
supported lodgings for those coming out of psychiatric care
or foster homes. Until recently I always read Proverbs 31 and
felt that without a husband, kids and a spinning wheel I could
never live up to that woman's example, but now I've come to
realise that we can be all that she is and more if we're faithful
to God in the situation where he has placed us.
It's easy to feel that we have nothing to give, but we are
all special, unique people, made and loved by God and valuable
to him and to those around us. We all have a unique contribution
to make to the world around us.
8. Trust God
Prayerfully commit your life to God, not just once, but again and again and again. He knows what he's doing and can be trusted even with our anxieties, our futures and our dreams.
Conclusion
Single life isn't always easy. Some of us feel we haven't
chosen it but it's been thrust upon us by the demographics
of the church. Yet that doesn't make us half-people or any
less special. There aren't any easy answers or quick-fix solutions,
but although there may be days when we feel so frustrated we
want to cry, or so mad we want to scream, we have a God who
knows what it's like and who cares for us.
Therefore since we have a great high priest who has gone through
the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the
faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable
to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has
been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without
sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our
time of need.[11]
Becky Brain is CMF Staffworker
in South West UK
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References
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Further Reading
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